Hello friends and haters (aka Bernie fans). As you’ve probably already heard, I decided to suspend my historical presidential campaign and stick to my mayoral duties for now – until I land the VP nomination.
I’m not going to lie; I feel deeply saddened it has come to this. If America wanted to disassociate itself from its current president, I was the obvious choice. Who’s more opposite to an (alleged) rapist who lied his way out of Vietnam, had zero experience in politics and barely speaks English than a veteran, gay mayor who speaks 6 to 8 languages?
But I refuse to be bitter. In fact, I’d like us all to take a moment and acknowledge how unprecedented my campaign was! I feel extremely privileged to have been considered a viable presidential candidate and I would like to express my immense gratitude to everybody who stood by me on this extraordinary journey. Especially the DNC, my billionaire donors, lobbyists, and the Hollywood celebrities who got distracted by my charisma and didn’t realize I wasn’t as liberal as their agents want them to be.
And now it’s time to set the record straight. There’s a rumor going around that I strategically dropped out of the race just in time for Super Tuesday because Mike Bloomberg paid me off. I categorically and emphatically deny this!
You may think – judging from my fundraisers – that Pete Buttigieg is up for sale. Let me reassure you that I’m not. It’s true that Mike Bloomberg offered me the VP spot but that’s only because no woman or black person would ever agree to be his running mate, no matter how much he’d pay them, so I was the next best thing. But, again, offering me the VP nomination does not – in any shape or form – constitute bribing to drop out.
Joe Biden also offered me VP. In fact, after his South Carolina triumph, his campaign made two offers, one to me and one to Amy Klobuchar: whoever would drop out before Super Tuesday would get to be Joe’s running mate once he’d stop Bernie for good. So happy I beat her to the punch! I’m sure she’s going to make an excellent Secretary of State – or, if not, just an excellent secretary.
But let me emphasize this one more time, securing the VP spot was not what made me drop out of the presidential race. “Then why, Pete? Is Donald Trump right? Is the DNC so desperate to stop Bernie Sanders?”
While I can’t answer to that, I can tell you I suspended my campaign purely out of personal reasons. You see, I’m a sore loser! I cannot lose and I’m not going to stick around to see it happen. My motto has always been “Better a quitter than a loser”. Ask my husband, Chasten. Every time we play Monopoly (my favorite game is a praise to capitalism, what a surprise!), if I realize I no longer stand any chance of winning, I pretend to get a phone-call from my office and leave.
In hindsight, maybe I wouldn’t make such a good Commander in Chief. I would leave any negotiating table the moment I’d realize I wouldn’t get what I wanted. I don’t know how Elizabeth is doing it. She barely has any delegates (even though she has the most plans, she’s killing it at the debates and people love her). It’s quite obvious she’s not going to win the nomination and, nevertheless, she’s persisting! Could that be the kind of president we need? Are women better fighters than men? No, that can’t be. Maybe they’re just too ambitious. You know, like Hillary.
My aspirations are simple. I want to be famous, liked, invited to cool parties, receive free packages from Goop, and beat Chasten at every board game for the rest of our lives. Oh, I also want to be the VP.
Hopefully to Mike Bloomberg. Now, I cannot stress this enough. He didn’t pay me to drop out of the race and he didn’t use the VP nomination to bribe me. But he’s the candidate who’s closer to my Republican values. Neither of us thinks capitalism is the root of all evil, we both have billionaire friends, plus we’re both mayors.
You may remember me destroying Bloomberg on the debate stage. a) That was before I was offered money to drop out (which – to be clear – I wasn’t) and b) the fact that Bloomberg offered me VP even after I destroyed him shows that what he lacks in height, he makes up for in checks. (I insist, I wasn’t paid.)
I’ll also be a very happy VP to former VP Joe Biden who didn’t bribe me or Amy to drop out. I know we all say we want to beat Donald Trump but there’s an even more important task at hand: beat Bernie Sanders! (Thankfully, sexism has taken care of Warren.) In the next few months you’ll be seeing a lot of me on TV trying to destroy Bernie. Let me nip this in the bud: no one has paid me, I’ll be doing this out of the goodness of my heart. (You’re welcome Wall Street!)
And if we fail, and Bernie wins the nomination, I’d be honored to be his VP. If he refuses to make me his running mate, I’ll order my supporters to vote for Trump. This isn’t blackmail! You know I’m incapable of raising my voice and I can’t stop smiling. And, for the last time: No, I’m not smiling because I just got paid a huge amount of money to drop out!